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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late."Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John."Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair."Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.""We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy."What did you watch?" asked Marsha."The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.""I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Nemam vise tih kratkih sad, jebati ga.--------------------------------------------------Išli Cigani harmonikaši kroz Bosnu za vreme II svetskog rata.Ugledaju kolonu vojnika i Ciga im dovikne:- Za dom spremni, dečki!Vojnici se okrenu, a ono svi sa bradama.Ciga se nasmeje zlatnim zubom i nastavi:- Aaaaa, niste spremni... e pa: "Sprem-te se, sprem-te..."

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Vraća se gazda kući sa dužeg puta, vidi slugu na prilazu imanju, pa ga pita šta ima novo.- Nema ništa... U stvari, ima. Crk'o Garov.Kako crk'o? Da ga nije neko otrovao?- Nije. Verovatno se prejeo mesa.Odakle mu toliko mesa?- Pa, od Vaših konja.ŠTA JE BILO SA MOJIM KONJIMA?!- Verovatno su se pogušili od dima.KAKVOG DIMA, POBOGU?!?!?!- Pa, kada se štala zapalila.ŠTALA?! KUKU MENI, PA KAKO SE ŠTALA ZAPALILA?!- Još ne znamo tačno, ali verovatno se plamen preneo sa kuće.SA KUĆE?!?!?! PA OTKUD POŽAR U KUĆI, JADAN LI SAM?!?!?!- Ni to se još uvek ne zna, ali najverovatnije je neko prevrnuo sveću pod zavesu, i tako...POBOGU, ČOVEČE, ŠTA JE SVEĆA RADILA KUĆI?!?!?! JE LI NESTALO STRUJE?!?!?!- Ma ne, nego kada su davali pomen Vašoj ženi, mora da je neko slučajno...

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Beowle, jel ti bese napisao onomad na onom forumu vic o dva trkacka konja, jednom koji je ziveo sportski i drugom koji se opijao pred trke ali ipak pobedjivao? To mi je jedan od jacih viceva ikad :Hail:

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то на ову форуRobin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.Robin Hood: He's dead?Blinkin: Yes.Robin Hood: And my mother?Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while... oh, you were away...Robin Hood: My brothers?Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.Robin Hood: My dog, Pogo?Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.[pause]Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin? Robin Hood: Men in Tights

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Beowle, jel ti bese napisao onomad na onom forumu vic o dva trkacka konja, jednom koji je ziveo sportski i drugom koji se opijao pred trke ali ipak pobedjivao? To mi je jedan od jacih viceva ikad :Hail:
Bila dva konja, suparnika. Crni i beli. Stalno su se takmičili ko je brži. Beli konj je svaku trku bez izuzetka gubio, iako se mnogo više i ozbiljnije pripremao od crnog. Štaviše, beli konj je vodio zdrav život, pravilno se hranio, nikada u životu nije zapalio cigaretu, nije pio čak ni za rođendan, ustajao je rano, išao u teretanu... Za to vreme je crni konj pio, pušio, duvao, jurio cice, vodio totalno boemski život i ništa ga nije tangiralo. Pred sledeću trku, beli konj odluči da se spremi još bolje nego inače, a crni konj ode u kafanu da se napije sa društvom. I tako je beli konj vežbao, trčao, radio trbušnjake, sklekove, čučnjeve i sve ostale stvari koje konji rade pred važnu trku, dok se za to vreme crni konj opijao, vario i radio sve stvari koje se nikako ne preporučuju konjima pred važnu trku. Poslednjeg dana pred trku, beli konj se odmarao i opuštao mišiće u bazenu, dok su crnog drugari pokušavali da odnesu kući, onako kontuzovanog. Sledećeg jutra, tačno u 7:30, beli konj se pojavio na dogovorenom mestu pun snage i svežine, ispavan, odmoran i dobrog raspoloženja. Crni konj je došao neobrijan, sa kesama ispod zakrvavljenih očiju. Na znak za start obojica su krenuli i crni konj je odmah ostavio belog za nekoliko dužina, tako da je na cilj stigao nekih 20 sekundi ranije i odmah otišao sa društvom u kafanu da se napiju i proslave njegovu pobedu. Beli konj, onako tužan i razočaran, krene kroz šumu pognute glave i sve vreme se naglas vajka: "Kako, bre, svaki put ovaj da me pobedi i to još onako mamuran i neispavan, a ja se toliko spremam, trudim, vodim zdrav život i sve uzalud..." Čuje to svinja koja je slučajno prolazila tuda, bude joj žao, pa priđe belom konju da ga uteši: "Daj, bre, konju, nemoj da se bedačiš. Biće još trka i dana za megdana, jednom ćeš ga pobediti sigurno!" Na to se beli konj zabezeknu: "Gospode bože! Svinja koja govori?!?!?!" :) Edited by beowl
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ima onaj kraci na istu foru:Konj podje u bioskop, kupi kartu, kokice, smjesti se fino... I taman kad je pocinjao film na sjediste ispred njega sijeda krava sa velikim damskim sesirom. Konj ukapira da ne vidi pola platna od njenog sesira i pokusa da joj skrene paznju na to, diskretno se nakasljavsi, ali krava ga iskulira. Onda je on blago dodirne kopitom po ramenu i pocne:- Izvinite, gospodjo kravo...Krava se okrene i pogleda ga, pa se zabezekne:- Iju, konj u bioskopu!

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